You are 18 years old. You have been living your whole life for this one moment - to choose a career path and sign your life away to a 4 year university. Because we're all qualified to make that important decision at 18, right?

Like many other Americans (and people in general), I have struggled immensely since college graduation. College is a time of projects, papers, and tests that are all supposed to be worth it once we get that degree and cross into the "adult world" with the promises of a good paying job and quality of life because we purchased that piece of paper. This has not been the case for me. I'm sure it has not been the case for many of you either. My story is not unique, but I feel the need to share with others who can resonate with me.

I had dreams. I went to fashion school with the hopes of working for Vogue in New York City (or honestly any publication). This used to be a tangible dream 20 years ago. When I enrolled into school right after high school, I had little knowledge or understanding of the limitations I would face in the real world. I didn't full understand how the internet had changed many professions, including publication, news, journalism, and business overall. I wanted to be the next Grace Coddington, but what I didn't realize is that that era had passed. No one told me. I was led to believe by the propaganda that I could do anything. I made a decision based off my love for the creative world. I wanted to have a big, passionate life. That's all I could think about.

Fast forward to today, that dream never came true. I don't hold too much regret to not making it to New York. Due to all that's shaped me the last 5 years, my priorities have shifted because I was bitch-slapped by the reality of the America I was living in. I normally consider myself an trying-optimist -with-anxiety (I need to coin that term), BUT I had to face the truth that I personally had limitations. I had to grief my dream, knowing I couldn't survive financially pursuing some of the professions I wanted. (Clarification, I'm still grieving that dream. I think I'm close to the acceptance stage, finally.)

I am constantly torn between that little girl who always felt I am meant to do something big and great vs. the now older woman who realized the veil covering up the reality.  I am now in Prague, mainly to escape to a better quality of life. There are things I wanted to do in America, such as a career change, that I simply couldn't. I am burdened with immense debt from a tarnished degree that I don't even want anymore. Almost everything in America I wanted to do required another 4 year degree or a master's degree. I couldn't bear any more financial debt. I was left scrambling for jobs in sales that I didn't necessarily want. I wanted financial security more than anything, but I didn't want to forsake my entire soul and happiness. So there came the decision to move to Prague to travel and "figure it out."

This has brought me to the question: Do I want a big, important life or do I want a small, simple life? 

This month has been the most difficult since my move. I have been thrown many obstacles that required me to think on my feet and push through some really difficult feelings. I have been insanely homesick. Some people here don't understand my point of view because they don't have this insane sense of responsibility. This is one of the main reasons I almost didn't come here at all. I always have had this sense of responsibility for other people's happiness (Hello, unhealthy thinking). Some people are financially supported to be here entirely from their family to have a good time traveling, which is nothing for them to be ashamed of. However, its been difficult to relate because I am here for entirely different reasons.

My biggest fear being here for the next year is developing this passion for teaching, then going back home only to be back at square one. I can't afford to get another degree in teaching. I have a capability to relate and connect with kids. That is something that cannot be learned and an important part of the job. Yet, I need a 4-year degree and another $40,000 in debt to prove that I have a heart for something.

So, what do I do from here? I honestly have no idea. I have thoughts going on for plans for next year already, but for now, I need to focus my time and energy into the present day. I am working on spending time with myself to develop and realize who I am without any outside influence. I am hoping this time will allow the universe to open my mind to the answers I need. My new mantra is: What do I need to get through the next 24 hours? That's all any of us can do.