There has been a lot of death this month. The death of summer and warmth. The death of friendships and relationships. The death of goals and milestones. Simultaneously, there has been an immense amount of newness, particularly with starting my new preschool teaching position this month. It's left me wondering how to balance the grief and loss with the new and abundant.

This has brought me to this: how can I be a radically loving, inclusive person, but also take care of myself? How do I remain accountable to others, but continue to heal and recover from deep character flaws? This is what I keep calling my "balancing act."

I see life as a shade of grey. I am able to see many perspectives in a situation. My empathy allows me to envision another's emotions so intensely that I can feel those almost like my own. I know people who are very black and white. I, too, believe in right vs. wrong within my own moral compass. On the other hand, I can easily put myself in someone else's shoes to understand why they would have a perspective. Regardless, I can't stop from coming back to this idea of balancing. How many times do I say yes? How many times do I say no? How much do I forgive? How much do I resent?

I hear the word "selfish" being thrown around effortlessly. I have myself been called selfish. I don't inherently consider myself "selfish", but I have come to appreciate that word more. Others may use this with a negative connotation - without fulling understanding why they are using this word. We only use this word when we feel hurt. I have never called someone selfish unless I feel they have wronged me. I had to ask myself this: why am I considering that person selfish? Because they didn't fulfill their role or expectation I had set on them? They are experiencing something I have no experience in and assume its an act of selfishness? Knowing this, I have to grace that accusatory word with the same notion when being said to me. When people throw words around with the claim of being "blunt"... that's not blunt. That said strictly from a place of pain and fear. Nothing else. 

I am selfish. Selfishly loving myself. Selfishly aware. Selfishly feeling each emotion that goes through me. Selfishly speaking my own truth. Selfishly giving myself grace and mercy.

As humans, we have to consistently strive to be better. There is no other way to live. No matter how unbelievably happy we are, there is always something that we could improve on. What other people think of us is none of our business. Especially because most of the time their mean and bladed words are untrue. Those types of people sit on their throne of entitlement. Thinking they are enlightened, when really what they are is cruel and projecting their own discontentment on others. I am guilty of this - we all are.

The better issue at hand is to leave toxicity alone. Forgiveness will come. Forgiveness does not mean you have to allow someone back into your life. It is strictly for you and you alone. Anger is a soul-eating emotion.

The more time I spend alone, away from family and people who have known me through years and many stages of my life; the more I am able to see my true self clearly. I am able to step away from the expectations and familiarity. The downs from abroad, so far, have brought more clarity than any therapy session in my entire life. I am grateful for this transformation. I have never loved myself more.